a pep talk

here's the deal. right now i'm writing this because i can't sleep with all of this pain inside of me and there isn't anything i can do about it. so i'll write out the mental frustration and try to deal with the physical frustration. a logical acknowledgment of my current state.

lately i have been forgetting about a major part of my life that's been altering the way i look at what everyone around me is doing: i'm living with a chronic illness and other people are not. not everyone has crohn's disease. that's a tough pill to swallow, and coming from me that means a lot because i can swallow a dozen pills at one time. i honestly can. it's pretty impressive.

i go through a lot when i get sick, and for the past six or seven months i have been very ill. i keep forgetting that people my age around me are in good health so i get upset when i see people thriving and wonder how they're able to do anything. they don't have pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. they can focus on something other than their discomfort. they don't have to inject themselves with pen needles and take a bunch of pills. they don't get nervous before they eat a meal. they can go out all night and somehow make it to work in the morning. they can maintain an average weight. they can do crunches without serious repercussions. they can drink. they can sit upright for hours at a desk. i can't do that right now. i can't do any of that right now.

what doesn't end you makes you stronger, of course, but i still haven't improved from this long stretch of illness. i've been through three rounds of antibiotics and there has been no improvement. in fact, i feel like my overall well being has gotten worse. i think too much about the things i can't do or haven't been able to do when my priority should be recovery.

i know there are worse things out there. there are tons of things worse than what i'm going through. i'm at this very strange place between wellness and hospitalization.

i've been held back by this over the years but i bounce back. at this point, surgery doesn't sound so awful. i've done my research and it sounds like a pretty good concept: something isn't working so get rid of it. i've got a deadline and i gotta recover so i can take over the world as a healthy human. i've got an appointment on monday with the doctors and im gonna unleash hell...or at least a heatlhy dose of reality in their direction.

there. i feel slightly better. im gonna go talk to some tea about this.

love and loyalty