Friday, January 28, 2011

a pep song


love and loyalty

a pep talk

here's the deal. right now i'm writing this because i can't sleep with all of this pain inside of me and there isn't anything i can do about it. so i'll write out the mental frustration and try to deal with the physical frustration. a logical acknowledgment of my current state.

lately i have been forgetting about a major part of my life that's been altering the way i look at what everyone around me is doing: i'm living with a chronic illness and other people are not. not everyone has crohn's disease. that's a tough pill to swallow, and coming from me that means a lot because i can swallow a dozen pills at one time. i honestly can. it's pretty impressive.

i go through a lot when i get sick, and for the past six or seven months i have been very ill. i keep forgetting that people my age around me are in good health so i get upset when i see people thriving and wonder how they're able to do anything. they don't have pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. they can focus on something other than their discomfort. they don't have to inject themselves with pen needles and take a bunch of pills. they don't get nervous before they eat a meal. they can go out all night and somehow make it to work in the morning. they can maintain an average weight. they can do crunches without serious repercussions. they can drink. they can sit upright for hours at a desk. i can't do that right now. i can't do any of that right now.

what doesn't end you makes you stronger, of course, but i still haven't improved from this long stretch of illness. i've been through three rounds of antibiotics and there has been no improvement. in fact, i feel like my overall well being has gotten worse. i think too much about the things i can't do or haven't been able to do when my priority should be recovery.

i know there are worse things out there. there are tons of things worse than what i'm going through. i'm at this very strange place between wellness and hospitalization.

i've been held back by this over the years but i bounce back. at this point, surgery doesn't sound so awful. i've done my research and it sounds like a pretty good concept: something isn't working so get rid of it. i've got a deadline and i gotta recover so i can take over the world as a healthy human. i've got an appointment on monday with the doctors and im gonna unleash hell...or at least a heatlhy dose of reality in their direction.

there. i feel slightly better. im gonna go talk to some tea about this.

love and loyalty

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

a thought to consider

i am one of the many 20-somethings in this country that has seemingly made the disastrous choice to pursue a higher education. this of course means that I have been struggling to launch a career of any sort, and believe me, i have applied to a wide variety of places:

government agencies and offices

nonprofits of all sorts - rain forest prevention, commissions for the arts, education/social justice/civil rights for the underprivileged, micro-finance, disease control and research centers, etc.

film studios

construction firms

news publications



and of course: organizations for glbt rights of all sorts. sometimes twice. i figured that my work with city hall was relevant enough to have a way into the working world here in san francisco and so far it hasn't worked. i graduated in may of 2010 and i have yet to start off my career.

and of course i am not alone.

i have since started the new year by giving up on getting that magic phone call from a career opportunity that i feel like i worked all these years for and have started applying to temp agencies, restaurants and retail stores. i am of course continuing to apply to as many jobs as possible, however i understand the severity of the global market and need to work.

thinking i would be a shoe-in for the temp jobs, i got that glimmer of hope back after each temp job submission.

this week, i received two responses from the many temp agencies i applied to:

Unfortunately, at this time, we do not have an appropriate position for you.

APPROPRIATE POSITION!?!?!?! it's temping!

the jobs we are getting are more for
administrative support folks at a level of far less responsibility than you
have already had.

i can file like a champion. how dare you.

this is a time of desperation. there are only a few lifeboats remaining and there isn't enough room for everyone here on this sinking ship.

i have made continuous contributions to the city through my work with both city hall and the community center. in fact, im still doing it!

time is short, san francisco. it's your choice.